KEVIN DEBACKER

Memoirs Of An Abandoned Shirt & The Drug Overdoses That Followed; The Hanes T-Shirt Story

An excerpt from the book…

Blood dripped from every corner of the aging lived-in kitchen. An elder woman’s body lay lifeless on the old linoleum floor. Sookie Stackhouse knew she couldn’t use her mind tricks to fix this one. 

Matthew McConawhatshisface loved True Blood and I loved watching him love it. Matt clicked off the TV. A moment of silence followed, a moment that felt like a lifetime. I knew what was coming. And I knew it wasn’t gonna be about Sookie’s stupid pixie powers. Matt quickly pulled me up and over his goddess arms and away from his golden chest. He yelled “Why the fuck do you keep coming back?! I don’t wanna wear a shirt anymore… dude. Google search my name man! I’m famous” In tears I yelled back, “I can’t spell your last name!” Matt continued, “My sexy toned man body is everywhere, women and the camera love me.” I lay crumpled on top of a bunch of other abandoned t-shirts, speechless, and with tears streaming down my sleeve stitches. I paused then blurted out “I use to let you masturbate on me! Did that mean nothing to you?” Matt’s face was red. I wasn’t sure if it was from the excess amounts of opium and Native American cacti whiskey he’d just consumed, or from anger. “Get the fuck out!” he yelled. ‘Fools Gold’ had just come out to poor reviews and he was in a foul mood. I refused to budge so Matt grabbed me by my Hanes tag and tossed me, along with my favorite color-safe Tide bleech stick, on to his bamboo tiki tourch deck. I lay there for hours, teary, listening to him toke up and bang on his Japanese bongo drum set… the one I bought him. It was at that point that I knew my life with him was over. That’s when I decided to pick my emotionally exhausted self up and walk to the street corner. Eventually a 72’ Dodge pick-up stopped, and that’s when I hitch a ride to Needles, California with a cowboy named Earl and a faceless cat named The Lord Works In Mysterious Ways. I found a love for country music on that journey, and an appreciation for PCP inhaled off of comically large rearview mirror dice. 

- Shirt

10 YEARS LATER…

Shirt’s memoir was optioned in to a movie, but McConawhatshisface… Goddammit, how do you spell his last name?! Anyway, Matt refused to sign off on the project so the movie was revamped in to a love story about two magical boots in search of the perfect SAT score - voiced by Meryl Streep and Viggo Mortensen. 

For more information on Shirt and adventures with his faceless cat, you can follow him at http://twitter.com/#!/McconaugheySHRT/